Even at the young age of 16, Ivan Malave has faced an abundance of adversity, but has found a way to channel his experiences into music, art, and fighting to make others’ lives better.
Living in an Unstable Home
Growing up in Paterson, New Jersey, Malave recalls his parents getting divorced when he was only two years old. “That complicated a lot of things. My mom has a lot of mental health issues, so my younger sister and I were growing up with a woman who did not know how to take care of herself,” he remarked. “It turned out to be a long, tedious battle for my father to get custody of me. My sister and I both suffered. We were both mentally and physically abused by our mother.”
He found himself confused by what his mother was telling him about his father and what he saw with his own eyes, staying with his father every other weekend. “There was a lot of manipulation that led me to not know how to trust my own father. When I was with him, I didn’t see the person she was telling lies about. There was such a disconnect between what she said and who he actually was,” Malave explained. “My childhood was divided between resenting my father, but loving him and not loving him, knowing what my mother said he had done to her. It turned out to all be projection on her part, but that is hard to figure out as a young person.”
The problems at home spilled into school, both in his own behavior and in the way that others treated him. “I grew up thinking my life was normal, but then when I started talking about it in school, other kids would look at me in a weird way and I ended up being bullied a lot,” he disclosed. “I didn’t have a lot of support at home or school. There was a whole year when I was not able to see or speak with my father. When I finally did see him again, my younger sister (daughter of his father and stepmother) didn’t even recognize me after so long.”
There was one person in the home who was a constant support for him, even in the darkest days. “My grandmother was the only reason I ever stayed at my mom’s house. She taught me how to cook and clean, and all of my life skills,” he stated. “Each of the people who did support me had their own obstacles, but I have been fortunate to have my father, stepmother, and an older sister (who was kicked out of their mom’s house as a teenager when Ivan was 10), who have stood by me in addition to my grandmother.”
The Breaking Point
A call from his grandmother ended any chance that he would remain in is his mother’s house. “When I was 13, I was at work when my grandmother called me and told me that she had been kicked out by my mother. I knew I had no reason to stay with my mom any longer. I broke down in the car at hearing this news and told my father I was ready to start living with him full-time,” Malave described. “Even though he had been defeated in court so many times, my father said he would move mountains to get full custody. We had fought so long and hard and had kept appealing.”
At one point, Malave wrote about all his troubles with his mother, figuring something written in his own handwriting would sway the court, but his father didn’t want Ivan to submit it and completely ruin the relationship with his mother. “He wanted me to have a relationship with my mother, believing every child needs both parents if at all possible,” Malave explained. “It took another year before my father got full custody of me. Now it is my decision whether to see my mother. I have not seen her nor spoken to her in two years.”
The Power of Music
Growing up around multiple forms of music from heavy metal to classic rock to Spanish folk (both his parents are Venezuelan) and classical impacted his own musical interests and versatility. “Listening to that range of genres allowed me to blend them into my own music. Electronic music was kind of my own thing. I made a seven-track mix tape, which was awful,” he laughed. “A few sings displayed by emotions about how I felt growing up in a broken home. I have a lot of unreleased music from that era, but I keep the stuff I am proud of on display.”
Eventually, he found his style in a classical electronic sound featuring classical instruments with electronic beats. He had played piano for two years and guitar for another year, picking up both quickly, but it was watching one video that propelled him to take his music to another level. “I watched the recording of Jimi Hendrix playing the star-spangled banner at Woodstock (a famous multi-day outdoor concert held Aug. 15-18, 1969 on a farm in Bethel, New York) and was floored,” he remarked. “I had to learn it on an acoustic guitar as I did not have an electric one at that point. There are no videos that can perfectly describe how Jimi’s rendition was played. I started messing around and was able to learn the entirety of his rendition by ear.”
Malave wanted to perform his Hendrix rendition at Paterson’s Black Lives Matter George Floyd Memorial. “I messaged the BLM Instagram account with a whole list of reasons why it would be the perfect event to play it, but they said no. I kept asking and asking, and after two weeks of convincing, the organizer finally budged,” he summarized. “I know that some people resent the anthem because of how they have been treated in this country and others may not like this particular rendition, but I thought it was important to do. I was kneeling while playing to show that we don’t have to stand, but we can be united in other ways around the music.”
Before playing the national anthem, Malave played two other pieces, which he improvised in the live performance as seen below.
“When you take a deep look at my music, you will see a lot of emotion. I take practice very seriously expressing whatever I am feeling at the moment. My dubstep and electronic music have always felt very emotional and often very angry,” he admitted. “Even if the meaning of the words wasn’t related to what I was feeling, the music always was. Music is very therapeutic for me. I never saw the appeal of alcohol or drugs, so this is my release.”
A Broken System
Malave believes his childhood trauma was reinforced, rather than addressed, by those allegedly in positions of aid. “One time in the fifth grade, I went to school crying after a fight with my mom. Guidance counselors took me aside and I explained to them what was happening,” he recollected. “The first thing they did was call my mother. I literally yelled, ‘Are you fucking crazy? Call my dad instead.”
He found things even worse with DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services), the child protection and welfare agency in New Jersey with the intended mission of ensuring the safety and well-being of children. “To show how inefficient and careless they can be, they interviewed me right in front of my mother, asking if she abused me. She threatened me beforehand and told me if I said anything that would get her arrested that she would ‘fuck me up.,’” he asserted. “I had to say it was all my fault. Then they searched my house. For what reason? Did they think they could smell manipulation or abuse? It was ridiculous and nothing good came out of it. In fact, they made things worse. DYFS had been called in three times each for me and my sister, but they never thought anything of it.”
Needing an advocate and a way to express his frustrations, Malave began seeing a therapist. “I was mentally unstable and needed a safe space to get my emotions out. I went to my therapist briefly before becoming homeless for a period. He said that he was sure I had depression, but that we needed to have a test to confirm it. However, I went homeless the same week I would have been tested and missed the appointment,” he noted. “Things were getting worse. My mom’s behavior was getting more unbearable. My grandma was crying every day. It was a cold winter without food, proper clothing, and heating. I didn’t even have a jacket or more than one pair pf pants. I tried to take my life during that time. I told my sister I couldn’t live like this anymore. My father, stepmom, brother, and older sister came to pick me up. My mom wanted me to stay with her even though we had no food.”
Therapy and Music Together
An ex-girlfriend of his convinced him to return to therapy, virtually, during the COVID-19 pandemic. “I was just denying that I had a problem or issues. Having a diagnosis of depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) helped me understand certain things that would trigger me. Beforehand, I was having nightmares waking me up as much as 10 times a night. I was getting no sleeping because of what was happening in the household,” he reported. “Going to a therapist is still very stigmatized and looked down on. It has been very helpful for me to be able to talk these things out.”
He found a way to combine his therapy and his artistry to bring himself healing. “I started recording my sessions, making my therapy and music indistinguishable. On my one concept album, I used samples from my therapy sessions. This was my way of understanding my struggle with PTSD logically and emotionally,” explained Malave, who made that album in 2018 and 2019, and released it this year. “I took the songs with all those emotions and therapy samples, combining them with increased knowledge of remastered mixes and track transitions to tell a more cohesive story.”
“It was a collection of songs about my feelings at the moment, which were often angry, sad, and solemn,” he continued. “The next stage had a dark undertone. I rearranged all of those songs into a better story. As I was remastering and adding therapy samples, cutting them up, and putting them into specific places to build a narrative. My music switched from being an outlet for my emotions to a genuine and enlightening therapy. I cried during the mixing and when I listened to it in its entirety. My entire life change after I finished. I am not completely fine, but I am better.”
His experiences have propelled him to encourage others to get help. “Whether I am giving speeches or talking to friends or even random people, I try to get people away from self-harm and into therapy. There are so many ways that people exhibit self-harm from drugs to alcohol to working out for hours on end. A lot of people tend to ask for help, but don’t actually want in,” he stated. “I am not in a position to give advice, but there are ways to find help, including for free in public schools if you are struggling with mental health. I now have better tools to deal with my own mental health. A lot of my old bullies, ex-girlfriends, and others who have harmed me have messaged me years later to thank for me for encouraging them to get help. Some people you talk to will want help in the future even if they aren’t prepared to ask for it at the time.”
A Common Thread of Community Service and Activism
Even through his toughest times, Malave was consistently donating his time and talents. “I always did it for goodwill and to better the community. I have tutored for hundreds of hours to help take people from level 0 to 10. I always did it for free because them being able to pass and not fail their grade was the reward for me,” he described. “Seeing people achieve educationally rather than them turning to drugs and/or the street has greater value than any payment. I have given free guitar lessons since I have experience of the ins and outs of creating a song. They can save a lot of money and write something on their own at the same time.”
He has found that he has reached a lot of people through his music. “I am my own story, but when I released my album, I believed others would be able to relate to my feelings. I have received dozens of messages from people telling me that they cried and were really touched listening to my songs,” he announced. “The combination of the music, samples, and messages set up the perfect environment for people to break down, and rethink, what they were going through. A lot of people in this area deal with a lot of issues. I am not alone. I have seen friends succumb to drugs and have worse stories than mine. I feel like someone who can look at every single situation from an outsider’s perspective. If I can figure my way through my challenges, then others can do it too.”
Staying True to Activism in His Music
Malave believes it is critical to make the most of any opportunity he has, taking the chance to move forward his music, career, and agenda to improve his own situation and help others to do the same. “Whenever I get an opportunity to do an interview, to play my music (like the star-spangled banner at the protest), or give a speech, I jump at the chance to talk about bettering my community,” he explained. “Tupac (Shakur) became so big and famous, such an icon, but no matter how big he got, he always gave back to the community. I have so many things I want to accomplish, but at times, I have felt hampered by a lack of money and opportunities. Tupac worked a lot of degrading jobs to make money before becoming a successful artist, but always help strengthen his community. I feel that regardless of what my life is like at the time, I need to help whoever is going through a tough time.”
He uses Tupac’s and many other performers’ consistently talking about social ills as an example of how to share his own music and message. “I know I don’t have to separate my music from my activism. Whether it was Tupac, Queen, Kendrick Lamar, Pink Floyd, Axel Rose, or Kurt Cobain, they always stayed rooted in their message. Sometimes it was direct and other times, it was more implied, but they consistently shared their views,” Malave discussed. “Kendrick’s ‘To Pimp a Butterfly’ album helped me process my own mental health and changed my life in terms of business, activism, and what I want to do with my future. I tell stories of myself and others, making it as real and uncompromising as I can. Sometimes I wonder if I should put a song out, but then I think always include it because maybe someone else can feel that raw true emotion.”
“If I can make my music more popular and make a buck off a show, I will do it. At the same time, I want people to learn about mental illness and that talking about it should be normalized,” he added. “There are alternatives to the self-harmful ways people use to address their own mental health crises. There are always to get help if you want it. ‘To Pimp a Butterfly’ taught me to make the most of any opportunities in any crevice to make it big eventually and help other people overcome their struggles to reach their goals.”
Treating Others with Respect
Malave makes it a point to actively converse with those with differing views. “I speak with racists and people who disagree with me to learn from another person’s perspective. Even if a person hates me or insults me, I still have to respect them as a fellow human being,” he narrated. “While I am an atheist, I learn from the better parts of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Native Venezuelan Spirituality to better my mental state and help others see and learn respect.”
“I love any hateful person as I love a brother and sister because they are a human being deserving of love. They may be on the wrong path,” he concluded. “You never know where someone comes from if you don’t converse with them. Show love to everyone.”